i, me, myself

low self esteem actually maturity!

2010-02-08T06:56:00.002+05:30

oh today ive just been challenged by myself, atleast by what i thought was a part of me... my love of my life jus pointed out where i had gone wrong! i mean its not such a bad thing to know where uve gone wrong but it being mentioned in such a manner after such long time i feel is quite irrelevant and hurting. guess what i was told " had u resisted the other day u'd be married and settled by now! wll dats if not the whole truth but a huge delay it seems for the info to have reached me... well its funny tht i have to vow to myself , well actually against myself (funny isnt it?)that i will live a life to ur envy and prove it tht im nt tht easy ! but he promised tht he'd be there for me fr life! like it mattered now, i am all the more shattered by his revealing certain truth lik this , and all his drinkin behavior which i think is gettin out of hand each day. there ws this thing he mentioned bout ppl talking ill of me! which i think is his underestimation of my status! earlier this day i clearly thot it was a matter of maturity when he mentioned tht i was "bloody 25 yrs!" and thn hw if he dint value me he wouldnt have talked wit me! now tht made me feel lik i had no self esteem nor dignity... i actually find it all the more funny to be pening down stuff lik this but i had no way out so this ws a kinda outlet to such silly stuff,well i guess i gotta somehow get myself outta this shit, atleast the emotionally dependent part. hope god stays wit me!

im feeling bad...real bad and guilty!

2010-01-19T08:47:00.003+05:30

Jus started feeling guilty, i've been causin everyone around me so much pain...this isnt wat i wanted to be! i really don wanna be the one to be causin dad a depression. I'm finding it hard already to cope with life in general, omg wat have i become!? what was i expecting from life? fair treatment??? hw dumber could i get? everythins ruined over nothin!! i found this poem online and loved it ... so here it goes....

What Do They Know by Tima Chavis

I face the world with a smile, no one knows what is hid inside.

They see only happiness, they cant see the tears I've cried.

When I am alone I hurt, because here I do it well.

In front of all the watchful eyes my heaven turns to hell.

The judge and jury awaits me, everyone has a say.

In a life that hangs suspended for yet another day.

Who are they to judge if what I have done is right or wrong?

In the end I gave him up, but inside still sing his song.

I don't know how to find the strength I thought I had.

If only I could play tough it wouldn't be so bad.

They say that life goes on and someday I'll smile again.

But, how do they know my pain without being where I've been?

I've traveled so far from home, and can't find my way back.

Somewhere along the way I must have jumped the track.

I saw him just today and his smile is still the same.

He looked at me so sweetly, but never spoke my name.

I wonder if he remembers me, It hasn't been that long.

He may have forgotten me, but I still sing his song.

this may seem more like a love poem.... but reflect me in more thn a million ways.... im alone here fr change but i dont think certain things change in life even wit time.or do they? people have started talkin .... n all it does is further damage.. do they even have a need to think from someone else's shoes? Its just that dad is damn depressed and that really hurts,,life is become such a question..i mean totally clueless , i cn go ahead jus the way i am, i know ive totally lost my originality, myself, dignity, my pride , chastity, name it and m clueless as to wat it is! thats the way ive become, so indecisive, so scared to make even small decisions, and i know i don have the luxury of being insane , i know i have to gather myself and act with sanity atleast for sake of dad n mum... dad isnt as normal, i mean he is always sad, complaining, and depressed and currently has a very low self esteem. I know causing him trouble at a stage he is mellowing down is pure torture, but i did all i could. Im so sorry people. to all those ive intentionally or unintentionally hurt in life...

Inner reenigineering retreat - Isha yoga center

2009-09-22T16:11:00.003+05:30

After much persuasion i agreed to attend a self engineering program at the isha yoga center in the vellingiri hills .Thanks to the person who pushed me to do it. It was a total eye-opener ,i mean ive actually begin to see life in a different perspective... theres so much to it , that i'd definitely recommend anyone who is willing and daring to look at life in a slightly different way to go for it. Im planning to attend another of their program in the UK . I'm a person who is as logical as any other person but this whole thing is beyond any logic...I was jus introduced to this thing called ojas. i'm sure a lot of people lik me who never had a spiritual inclination might find it weird.But i think its essential for all of us to know things lik this, and the importance of a lot such things we consider nonexistent.The whole experience was refreshing. We went trekking and for the first time i actually interacted wit people of all ages and from various walks of life on a same platform.The first day all of us total strangers and the next day twas lik everyone knew everyone for ages. The hospitality extended by the volunteers involved in the program is really applaudable. I mean the food , the rooms , and people always there wit a cheerful face to help you is one thats stays in mind whenever i think of the program.On the whole its was a wholesome experience.althogh a few of us wer stretching for yoga after like ages.:)

Learning cooking!

2009-09-22T16:03:00.002+05:30

hey since im of fr year of studies , ive started to learn to cook....yeah dream of an independent life is so near yet kinda far... this is wat i learnt today....Beetroot in yoghurt..... its a south indian dish..

2009-04-14T02:55:00.002+05:30

my best fren div.........god shes such an angel...been ther for me at my worst n best........Hurray on graduation!!!!!!!!!!! now we re both MBA grads div!!!!

midnight thots

2009-04-14T02:40:00.002+05:30

Life's funny most of da times,.... but sumtimes ur jus not able to see the fun element in it...coz most of us hate being mocked at...n when u know ur gonna be mocked for probably ur whole life thru u jus arent ready for it... n its alll da more irritating when u hav to live tht kinda life to prove to ppl ur least bothered about, jus to prove to a society i totally disapprove of..... wat s more thn not gettin to live a lif u wanna...bt i'd rather keep to myself thn live a lif im not gonna be happy with..wat say huh???? it sometimes feels lik ur trapped got no way out , no choice ! but to carry on wit wat eva is entrusted to u!!! Wht is it about gossip tht hurts u n irritates u? is it the unreal part o harsh reality of being looked at frm a diferent perspective ---which is probably one u neva wanted to b pictured as!!! wateva hapens life has to go on...

drainin myself...

2007-07-01T20:31:00.000+05:30

been workin up a load de past few days...kinda nervous bout my xams....

2007-06-26T23:09:00.002+05:30

dat trip was gr8.....

today

2007-06-26T22:47:00.001+05:30